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I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds. :/
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
Yes I admit I am a freak. Now, grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."