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Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house, but that fly is dead.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!