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"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day