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ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
I don`t have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
Facebook account for sale, Friends included...
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake