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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.