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Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ? LOL JK, I have to pee.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again: it before
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Trouble is just fun you got caught having.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.