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Is it hibernation time yet? Because I am 100% into that.
Do you ever get that feeling that you are being watched? Because if it is bothering you, I can stop.
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.