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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
I hate spelling errors so much. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined....
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
Do you really have to breath that much?
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music”... but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot"