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Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.