Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
I just made you think of an elephant
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
Plan B includes margaritas.
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.