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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
why me is me ?
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
Jingle bells johnny smells, amelia ruled the show, frankies okay, marcus is gay, little mix all the way.. HAY !!!
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.