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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
The first sign of laziness:
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.