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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
The older the Facebook post, the creepier your “like” becomes.
The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
The secret to success is in my bra.
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
There are four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Fried 4. Drive-thru
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.