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It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
A mistress is something between a Mister and a mattress.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!