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I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".