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If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
I won the Twister contest hands-down.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?