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Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.