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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.