Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
Dear Noah, we could have sworn you said the arc wasn`t leaving until 5. Sincerely, unicorns.
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."