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Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
Still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It`s Made" episode on babies.
If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
So... Where does one obtain minions?
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman