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Is it hibernation time yet? Because I am 100% into that.
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
My wife wants to have more kids but I don`t want to have to learn anyone else`s name.
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels? - Bfanch
Why can`t insomnia start in the morning.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!