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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
500 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something
Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.