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Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
I`m great in bed" ~ breakfast
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy