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Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
Why can’t the shower just naturally keep itself clean?
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
I was born to be happy… not normal.
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.