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Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
Life was much easier when apples and blackberries were fruits&& not phones
Nothing gets me motivated for 10-15 seconds like a good inspirational quote.
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.