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So you`ll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year ... Your move Weight Watchers
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!