Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.