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Vodka is just amazing water.
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook