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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
I will always love you, even if I have to from no closer than 300 feet.
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.