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When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs