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Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
You can`t fix STUPID, but you can Numb it with a 2x4.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
How many people actually tell everyone that you said Hi.
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
Today is opposite day. Wait...if today is opposite day and I say that it is opposite day that means today isn`t opposite day. If it isn`t opposite day then how cAn I say today is opposite dAy? I`m so confused -.-
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.