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I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
Strangers are like birds. If you run at them screaming and waving your arms they will run away.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."