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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
Sex, do it for the kids.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
??q? uo p??oq??? ? ?nq i ??i? ?s?? ??? si si??
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?