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Will be drunk until further notice.
I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
I’m at the age where all my posts start with the phrase “I’m at the age where.”
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.