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I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Don`t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
Happy Halloween… may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.