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Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.