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When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.