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My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what`s for dinner.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
1st woman on the Moon.. Houston we have a problem What? Never mind What`s the problem? Nothing Please tell us? You know what the problem is.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...