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If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.