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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
real eyes realize real lies
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.