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What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
What is an Amish girls favourite fantasy? Two Mennonite
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.