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Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.