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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
Jimmy is short for James? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. Do they even know what short means?
Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis