Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
"Something`s wrong. He`s never walked this far before."- what my shoes would say if you walked a mile in them.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.