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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.