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Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
20 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
I’ve made some pretty bad choices in life but I have to admit, having orange juice with Oreos was the worst.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.