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According to my nipples, summer is over
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
Do people with cats not know about dogs?
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...