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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.