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You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody`s pants.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
I think today I`ll stalk my stalker, just to shake things up a little.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.