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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
My neighbor just spent $237.43 at the vet, that`s $1,662.01 in dog dollars.
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.