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Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?