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Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.