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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?