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Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
i hate it when other people hate the person i hate!!!
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
You know its going to be a b!tch of a day when you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
Christmas time always make me blue :-(( and then red, then green, then oh wow.. presents...
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2