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My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
I gave my cat 7up, now it has 16 lives
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel