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All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, Iād like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.