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I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Safe words are for quitters.
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
The older I get the better I used to be.