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Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
Too many people complain about their looks, but not nearly enough complain about their brains.