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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.