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I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
Comment if you think I`m normal... Like this if you think I`m crazy... Copy this if you know your crazy too! And if your me... OMG TURKEY SQUIRREL! :)
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.