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I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.