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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
I would like to remind everyone it`s not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
Eat breakfast: Check...Pay Phone: Check...Conquer the world: Still Pending...
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.