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I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
Let`s all have a moment of silence for people who can`t have a moment of silence because they have kids.
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."