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Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
My boss just asked me why I wasn`t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn`t see him coming
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
This is a lousy dating site.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
Years of education, solving tough problems, handling complex issues, yet we take a while standing before glass doors thinking whether to Push or Pull.