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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."