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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Reasons to get out of bed: Food.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.