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I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
roses are red , violets are blue , I got five fingers and the 3rd one for you ;)
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
TIP: If cars are passing you on the highway in the LEFT lane, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RIGHT LANE!
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."