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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.