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An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
Not every flower can say love...but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst...but a cactus did. Not every idiot can read, but look at you go!!!! lol
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
NO, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.