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I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
Wanted: Magic hat for a snowman
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."