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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
Anybody else have that annoying problem of Work and Family interfering with your FaceBook time?
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.