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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.