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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
A synonym is a word you use when you can´t spell the word you first thought of.