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I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out a$$.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
When someone calls you a bitch just say a bitch is a dog, a dog barks, bark is on trees, trees are nature and nature is beautiful. thanks for the compliment ;)
It`s funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!