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When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.