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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
All I heard was, " I swear it`ll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?