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Have you hugged you bartender today.
I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
your status deserves a standing ovation but I`m lazy I`ll just click `like`
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.