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Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
I`m fairly certain that kids only have ears for decorative purposes.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.