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It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
No I don`t think you`re stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
I`m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It`s really come in handy this parallelogram season.
Just so we’re on the same page, I’m on 43.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
Depresso; the feeling you get when you`ve run out of coffee.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?