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Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
My favorite beer is an open one.
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
Hopefully because of social networking, I`ve tarnished my reputation enough for anybody to ever place me in a role of great responsibility.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(