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My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
To whom it may concern: I need more money and power ... ASAP thanks!
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
I really respect people that don`t drink excessively, gamble, curse, do drugs, spend excessively, act irresponsibly and stay up late. And by "respect" I mean "don`t wanna hang out with"
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.