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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.