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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.