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It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
Why don`t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.