Daily Silly Status

If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.

I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.

You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.

That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.

My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.

The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.

I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.

Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.

The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake

I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.

Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.

I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."

Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy

Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?