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Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.