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Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
I bet blind people think farts are funnier than deaf people.
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
I’m at the age where all my posts start with the phrase “I’m at the age where.”
Is food porn star a thing yet??
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.