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I love my work, but I would also love to never have to do it again.
I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is talking back right now.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
I hate when Iām comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.