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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
Describe myself in three words ... 1. Lazy
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.