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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
I`m getting worried about this Ebola virus. I mean, I`ve got Norton but...
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait