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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
Not to cause a panic but i`m starting to think we`re running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...