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My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
The wife finally agreed to anal sex... Does anyone know what a strap-on is?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
It deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tihs wulod not be psibsole if yuor sutipd. I hpoe for yuor skae you wree albe to raed tihs or taht maens yuor an idoit or barin dmagaed.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.