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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Attention fuels immaturity
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?