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My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
No pornhub I do not want to share this video with my friends & family on Facebook
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
I know u r but what am I ?
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today