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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
It`s ok if you don`t like my personality,,, I`ve got others.
My password is SupermanHulkThorGoku, that`s the strongest password I can think of.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Sorry I`m late, my alarm didn`t go off, because I didn`t set it ... because I don`t like coming here