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I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.