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I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
Is somebody not editing what I´m saying here???
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.