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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
I wonder if angry people know about naps?
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
I DON`T HATE YOU,I`M JUST NOT NECESSARILY EXCITED ABOUT YOUR EXISTENCE!
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?