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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people..... who have taken my advice
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
on a scale of 1-10 how honest are you? I would say 10 but then i would be lying!
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.