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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
Dyslexics are teople poo.. :|
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?