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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
I don`t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence...but hey, somebody has to do it!
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
I just came online to check the weather. That was 12 years ago.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
Remember when you thought you’d have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? LOL
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.