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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
I wish some people`s cardio exercise consisted of running into traffic.
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
People – the most gentle, loving, kind, sympathetic, peaceful and caring creatures in the world. Especially when they need something from you.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
Buying an airline ticket is like paying shipping and handling for yourself.
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.