Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet ... You don`t know.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups...
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.