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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
Cashiers are always checking me out.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."