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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
So far, I am 100% at believing what happened next on Facebook links.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.