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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
Thought of the day! Calling me a crazy bitch will only encourage me to prove you right...
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
I`m not crazy, but I am a carrier.
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
In retrospect, I suppose "harder" wasn`t the best choice of a safe word.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.